Interesting how much can change from one post to the next. Letting go of something I’ve wanted for years, yet again, only to be given exactly what I needed. Funny how life works like that. Focus too much on one thing and miss an opportunity to let something new and exciting into your life. What if I didn’t make that phone call? What if I had stayed home that night? I’m so glad I didn’t let my past dictate my future.
Up super early yet again. Coffee date with an old friend. The beach is calling my name. Somewhere inside I miss the roller coaster.
What a weird week. I love that I’m making progress on my various photography projects. Although, I am beginning to smell like a darkroom quite often. I don’t mind at all, though, because to me this is where I’m meant to be. I started working in the darkroom when I was 12 years old. I also took the SATs that year, but so do a lot of kids. Let’s just say I didn’t have to retake them for my college applications but I did because a small part of me felt like it wasn’t fair for whatever reason. Anyway, that year was pivotal in that I realized I could do something other than attend an Ivy. I’d taken art classes as a hobby since the third grade. Now, I’d discovered something I was truly passionate about and good at. As a kid, I was good at everything I did, except perhaps sports — and that was mostly due to my refusal to participate in a team sport after I turned 10. (I would later discover my love for MMA and Krav Maga, go figure.) I like to work with my hands to some degree. I am not a sculptor, jeweler, or any kind of 3D artist (neither virtual nor physical), but there is something so satisfying searching for that perfect combination of composition, lighting, timing, and capturing it. Then there’s the anticipation of the film processing, waiting to see if you got the moment you thought you got, ensuring you apply the correct mixture of chemicals and timing to the negatives. If you get that far, there’s the art of applying just the right amount of light, and more chemicals, to produce the desired representation of that single moment in time. It’s such a beautiful process, time consuming, requiring patience. I’m always learning something new, even today.
You know, sometimes being an adult is not all that it’s cracked up to be. I know this sounds entirely cliché – and it is – but that doesn’t make it any less true. There is a reason that adults are constantly lamenting at one point or another about the responsibilities and pressures of adulthood. Today has been one of those days. I feel completely exhausted. Yesterday I fell asleep around 4 o’clock in the afternoon and basically slept the rest of the night. I really hope that I’m not getting sick because I can’t afford to get sick right now. I’ve got a pretty cool project in the works and I would really like to see it through to the end. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day so I need to be on top of everything on my to do list if I’m going to accomplish all that I would like to do over the weekend.
It’s been a weird couple of days. Simultaneously hectic and calm. I have so many projects that I am attempting to work on simultaneously, which honestly let’s face it is no surprise given my tendency to push myself to the limits and then some. I feel like I’m starting to only give 90% to each project instead of giving 100% to each project. I don’t like to halfass things, but when facing new challenges within a given project it’s really difficult to feel as though I’m giving it my all because I am such a perfectionist and I want everything to come out exactly the way I want it the first time. Someone recently observed that I am a perfectionist which isn’t a surprise. The surprising part was how quickly he followed up the statement with it’s because I’m afraid of failure. And this person has had several interactions with me as we are working simultaneously on similar projects but not necessarily together on the same project, so our paths have crossed quite a bit in the last few weeks. Usually I don’t have someone whose last name I don’t even know peg me for exactly what I am and tell me to my face: so this is what you are and this is why you are the way you are. To be honest, it was kind of refreshing. I have always had a problem with perfectionism; I am extremely hard on myself. I know my strengths, and I know my weaknesses, and I’m a big believer in enhancing your strengths, learning new things if that’s what you are interested in, and finding someone else who is strong where you are weak. I do not believe in spending hours, days, even weeks attempting to improve your weaknesses if you’re just not good at something. We can’t be good at everything, and even if we are good at so many things it doesn’t necessarily mean we must do all of those things. To give a more concrete example, perhaps you are a straight A student (or were a straight A student), but you probably had a favorite subject or you had a favorite hobby or something that ignited your passion. The thing I love about being surrounded by artists is that they don’t care about what they should or should not be doing with their lives because they’re doing exactly what they want to be doing when they want to do it. They don’t punch a clock, they don’t trade their time for money, they just create exactly what they want to create.
“Slept in” this morning. It feels like a Beyoncé day. It is imperative that I begin my days with coffee and music. You can thank my mom for that. I know being an adult includes doing things that you don’t necessarily want to do, or socialize with people you’d rather not, but I refuse to give in to that part of adulthood. I’ve been told it’s juvenile and inevitable and just something we all have to deal with in life. My question is why? I mean, I understand paying taxes, etc. so I suppose my issue is with the social aspect of this rather antiquated sentiment. The entire concept seems so absurd. My parents used to tell me “well you know what, if you don’t like our rules, when you grow up and you make the money and you have your own house you can make the rules.” Well guess what guys…. Actually they’re super awesome and I’ve only (jokingly) reminded them of that little bit of wisdom. This thought train is not aimed at my parents — they’re rad and I love them. This train’s tracks have been laid out for those of you that would try to control another person. Another adult. If I don’t want to see you, who says I have to? I’m being serious here for a moment. It is a societal pressure so many give in to that I’ve lost count. If we don’t jive, there’s nothing that says we must hang out with each other (even coworkers can be civil and keep conversations confined to business related topics only, though we all know gossip and drama make an office run. So high school. So plebeian.) So my observation is this: if I just don’t care for your presence, you and I will have minimal, if any, contact. Cheers.
I love waking up super early and watching the sunrise. It’s honestly one of my favorite things to do, which is kind of comical considering I’m not a morning person whatsoever. I’m starting my day by flooding my house with sunlight and blasting Lady Gaga while my dogs run around in superhero costumes. Later I’m heading to thr darkroom for a few hours. I absolutely adore spending time there because I don’t have to be anyone’s anything, I don’t have to worry about a thing except what’s right in front of me. The only thing that matters is the content in front of me and the chemicals and the right exposure.